Transitions
The Muse Letter No. 128
1
“I can’t move in with her now. Can I?” I’m sitting on my bed, my therapist’s face looking at me, concerned, in her little rectangle on my laptop. We both know the answer and I don’t need her to say it.
The previous night I had spend worrying, my stomach churning cement, filling me up with anger and despair. The signed contract on my dressing table, wrapped in an envelope, stamp on and ready to post.
I can’t do it, can I?
I kept repeating, kept reassuring. My mind circling, taking rounds, trying to find a way to make it work. Perhaps it would be okay. Perhaps this was the only thing, the only problem and then it would be fine. Perhaps it didn’t mean that she was a horrible person, perhaps I could live with her.
I had drawn a tarot card earlier, the four wands, two people waving with flowers in their hands in the back, a wooden arch also decorated with flowers in the front. A homecoming. An arrival. A positive sign. – I felt mocked. Clearly the opposite of this would happen. Clearly the tarot was wrong.
“How does she make you feel?”
2
I didn’t have to wait for the agency’s answer. I knew what was coming when my flatmate told me he was going to move out. I knew it the minute I had moved in 8 months before, back then we both had signed a waiver that excluded the option for a change of tenancy. And I remembered that, when he told me the news. Why wouldn’t they allow it? He kept repeating himself. And I would shrug but I wasn’t surprised when we received the email confirming what I had said the next day. I guess this is how they can increase the rent exceeding the usual yearly rate. I guess they don’t want to bother with the deposit and slightly more complicated paperwork. I guess they’re just being dicks.
3
I often know a lot of things. I notice them instantly. Like when I went to look at the flat and I asked whether I could remove the shelf that was already in the room to the hall because I had my own I wanted to bring and how reluctant she was to the idea. How any sort of change was met with vague excuses. Or earlier even when I had talked to her for five minutes on a video call and she was already offering the room to me. I feel like we will totally get along. I can just tell. She had said and I had agreed, I was happy to be chosen so easily but later remembered how often I had met people who instantly claimed a connection and how disappointing that often ended. I remember sitting in the kitchen and feeling uneasy but not able to put my finger on why. Just nerves I would tell myself. It’s just exciting.
4
“And how does she make you feel?” -“Small.”
5
I look at my phone and it’s her. She sees I am online, I have just send her a message. The cement is growing into my throat: Hello? “I just thought it’s better if we have a quick call." she says.