Never taking drugs in Berlin

The Muse Letter No. 42

The following essay is from Things I Have Noticed a book that I have recently published, now also available as an Ebook here and paperback here.

part two: searching 

“I am out with lanterns, looking for myself.”

Emily Dickinson

“Why are you always looking for meaning?“ The skinny guy in my bed who was supposed to be 23 but definitely looked a lot older in broad daylight, seemed annoyed at my questioning, as I pressed my fingers on his tattoos, that looked like planets, galaxies, abstracted into symbols, circling around his arms and hands. -“I don’t know. I just have to. I have to look for the truth.“ I said and I was quite happy about my answer, this was exactly what I would want to say, if I was in a film and this being the defining moment where the guy and the audience would fall in love with me. He was not impressed though, turned around and announced that he would go back to sleep again. Which I should, too, given the arriving comedown. 

So I was this person now. 

I’ve always had a desire for the truth, for things to be and feel real. It was hard for me to wrap my head around the fact that just 8 hours ago, I had literally thought and felt: in love. With this person I had just met, seen across the dance floor. I still feel a wave of cringe, when I think about how that whole evening must have looked like from the outside. 25 year old, in a fake fur coat, sitting on the tram, next to her a guy that looked exactly like someone who is dropping 4 pills a night.