Losing Agency In Romantic Relationships Or: The Subconscious Is A Mother****
The Muse Letter No. 75
I have stopped wanting things.
For a while now I’ve been feeling a certain sense of lack. It happened before as well this occasional feeling of not wanting much just floating through time enjoying what is there but now that I am sharing a space with my partner it is constant. And it’s starting to feel like a problem. A lack of agency. The fact that I have stopped wanting things for myself.
It’s not that I don’t want to be alone sometimes or that I don’t go out with friends or do stuff. Or can’t live without my partner. This is not necessarily about being too dependent. But there’s something happening when I hear the words: I want to do this thing for my work/self. That gives me a ping. Like a finger pressing on a bruise. It hurts a little. Because: I don’t. I don’t feel the need to want anything right now. O…