Kissing Girls
A (sad) queer love story | The Muse Letter No. 119
I fucking hate men! I shout over the street in the middle of the night as I sit down to pee between two cars.
My general peeing spot in the city I declare to my friend. Everyone should have one. It gives you a sense of order at night walking home.
Traffic lights, alley to the right – peeing spot – halfway home.
I grab her hand and we start running, giggling. The sound of our feet tripping on the wet concrete. We’re well into our late twenties but tonight we’re something else. We’re lovers. We are leaning each other into walls / against lampposts/ against cars.
It’s long after midnight, in the middle of a dancing crowd and something feels different. Something, mainly you, your eyes look different, like they’re about to tell a secret. And I can’t wait to hear. You come closer and I try to figure it out. Figure you out. You’re shape shifting, bending to the music. Your mouth too close to not give in. I want to. I really want to.
Let’s do this. You say with your lips touching mine. We laugh. We already are doing it. I bite your lip, you bite back harder. This is everything it should be, I think. And I open my eyes and it should be just you and me. But it isn’t just you and me and me and you, there is someone else, too.
Why?
Why?
Why?
Fuck off! I don’t even need to hear what his stupid face is about to say. It’s the third guy tonight trying to get ‘in‘. Desperately turned on by what he is seeing, thinking it is for his eyes, his pleasure, him only. That we’re doing it for the attention, that this is just a show, a preview, a sample, a snippet, an AD. As if we’re just waiting to be released by some dick cutting in.
I’m tired. You say. And I: let’s go home.
We hold hands and you take off your shoes. For a while we don’t talk at all. I wonder what is holding you back, what is holding us back now. At the corner we start kissing again. We think we’re safe. We should be safe. We’re not.
“Why not?” The guy asks, as you shout at him, “No! No! No!” And, “fuck off!” And thank God he is alone and there’s people on the street. Your hand in his face. An arm length between you and his idea of a threesome. He doesn’t dare to stay any longer and moves on.
Was that too aggressive? You ask and I shake my head.
Was that too aggressive? You ask again.
And I kiss you. And I kiss you again.
No. It was just enough. Just the right amount. Just right.
And you smile and we walk in silence. All the way home and we –
don’t kiss anymore.
(Excerpt from my forthcoming book of essays Things I Have Loved – A collection (sort of))
It’s only two more days and my book is coming out. When the idea stumbled over a page in my diary last year while I was hiking on the Camino de Santiago, I couldn’t imagine what would come out of it.
The journey has just begun. I tell myself.
As the first days of a book coming out are crucial for its future success. You might think: why does it matter if I buy your book today or next month or next year?
The problem is it really does.
As much as I believe in my book and its content, and that it will find the people it needs, because it always has ever since I published my first book; however the book industry is only interested in numbers when it comes down to it.
Whether bookshops will pick it up, journalists review it, more people notice it depends on the first week, the first sales. Which is a really small window.
So today I am asking you to share, spread the word, buy the book, gift it to someone you think might enjoy it and to write a review when you read it.
And to celebrate and as a thank you for your support from today till the 14th of February all Muse Letter readers get free shipping.
Just use this code at the checkout: valentinesmuse
If you enjoyed reading the Muse Letter so far, I am certain you will enjoy this book even more.
SHOP HERE:
https://www.museletterpublishing.com
or order in your local bookshop (only UK).
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The Muse Salon is the cosy space of the Muse Letter, where I give insights on my creative process, what I read / watch / listen to and where you can ask me anything in the monthly Q/A sessions.
This week I am talking about the two most important things I do to stay confident especially when I’m feeling down
I swear this absolutely works
There are two things I have been doing for over two years now, basically since I started Muse Letter Publishing, to keep my motivation high and never let go of that inner strength most people call confidence.