I wonder if things will calm down now
I wonder if things will calm down now
Is what I never ask myself | The Muse Letter No. 120
– But maybe I should?
For a while now my life has been feeling like this never ending growth spurt, constantly shedding another skin, breaking the old one into pieces, it seems almost bizarre, all the things I am realising about myself, my life, the people around me, the stories I’ve been telling myself: it feels like a major re-write.
How could I live like this? the repetitive chorus in my head.
However, this week marks a real milestone: my second book Things I Have Loved came out, selling over 400 copies on publication day, celebrating with friends and readers. I want to jump and scream and laugh and cry and burst out a deep howl of: FUCK YES!
That all the great and small changes I have made in the last year, lead me here. And it’s interesting, it doesn’t feel like a resting point at all. You would think. A friend of mine said the other day: great, so now you can relax. You did all the hard work.
But for some reason, I absolutely disagree. And it’s not because I don’t want to rest or because I don’t want to enjoy the fruits of my labour or I think you always need to push yourself but because I finally feel like I have mastered something and it’s time to play with it. To enjoy this way of being but also to test it. I want to see what is possible, what I have been missing out on, whilst playing small for others.
On Thursday I had a Q&A with the London’s Writers Salon (scroll down to the Muse Salon to watch the whole interview) about how to crowdfund a book and self-publish, and throughout the talk, I kept saying in various ways: not to play small. Not to pretend you don’t need the space, when you do. And I think it’s what I’m still trying to tell myself with every step.
When you start something, there’s this phase where you need to be very kind and loving to yourself, giving yourself space for mistakes and care to pick yourself up again. But then there’s the next phase. Where you have to test it and be real about whether it works. Where you cannot coddle yourself too much but actually need to push.
And then maybe, there is a third phase, where things are sort of solid and you actually build on top of them. Or whatever that might look like. Which is to say, I have never really experienced that until now.
Maybe this is normal for other people. Maybe I am literally describing something so simple, yet absolutely new to me?
So far every time something was actually being tested, I quit. I would be great at the first phase, growing all these little saplings and then I would stay a while in the second phase but eventually it would just get so hard and I would pivot and change and move into another direction.
I would move countries, stop writing plays, not finish my novel. I always loved to start from scratch, because I love beginnings, as all true romantics do.
But now, this second book, me still writing this Muse Letter every week, it just feels like I have finally arrived. It finally got good. Solid.
But I guess I just imagined solidness to feel different.
Success to me really is about being the person, that I want to be. To make decisions based on that.
Maybe I don’t need things to calm down, because what I really want is to be excited. Maybe it’s not solid, just constant. Not concrete, but moving into the same direction.
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If "Things I Have Noticed" was about growing up and finding yourself "Things I Have Loved" is about the things that were gained/missed/lost along the way.
Told through objects Hembeck has loved, she is weaving a narrative that examines the themes of love, longing and self-worth.
ENTER THE MUSE SALON
The Muse Salon is the cosy space of the Muse Letter, where I give insights on my creative process, what I read / watch / listen to and where you can ask me anything in the monthly Q/A sessions.
This week I am sharing my interview with the London’s Writers Salon, where I talk about: How To Crowdfund A Book, Self-publishing and all the things I have learned in this journey.
A heads-up: I am working on a three part Masterclass for crowdfunding & self-publishing books, which will probably launch in April. So keep your eyes peeled.