It has been coming for a long time. I suspected it, when I was reading headlines and felt nothing, when I was reading articles about the second lockdown and couldn’t help but roll my eyes. This morning I called my Mum during my daily walk with my dog and between “Maybe you could send me some Christmas decorations from home?” and “That would be nice” - I cried heavily. Next to me a stupid football match of stupid ten year olds, other stupid dogwalkers walking their stupid dogs and stupid families cheering. And stupid me, stupid crying.
– I guess, the first sign was a couple of weeks ago when I cried in a dream, the pain so sharp and clear in my chest, I woke up shaking. Was I sad? I would sheepishly ask myself. But why?
The pandemic is a shapeshifter.
In the past couple of weeks it was dressed in: “This is actually okay. And we don’t need to think about it anymore. This is normal now.”
This morning it took off it’s cloak of denial again and showed what’s underneath:
“I miss my family. I miss my friends. Christmas will hurt.”
Denial is not the worst.
Sometimes – maybe right now – you will feel okay with this whole pandemic-thing and you’ll be able to read a book, enjoy a movie, talk to your friends. Everything will seem fairly normal, you’re coping, you’re lucky. You might be annoyed at people who write about the pandemic all the time, like me writing about it now, I’m sorry if that bothers you and just know that: it’s okay to feel this way. Stay in it as long as you want to. As long as you need to. The pandemic is a shapeshifter and we all experience different forms at different times.
Denial is not the worst.