Chaotic Energy – Or I Don't Know How To Behave
Spring Awakening – A Series of Small Attempts to Change No. 2
I don’t know how to behave right now.
The other day, well and also this morning, basically on an on and off basis, I get super mad at random strangers. That particular morning, the one that comes to mind, where I realised the problem might be me; is when a car almost hit me as I was rightfully crossing the street and then having the audacity to honk; I yelled without thinking: You think you’re better than me?! Followed by a few curses.
A scenario that for some reason has happened to me several times in Edinburgh, which leads me to assume that the car etiquette here is very different from the German one I am used to. Nevertheless, instead of accepting it and bowing my head to the new status quo, I apparently have made it my mission to change that, one honking car at a time. Obviously Don Quixoting my way through Edinburgh is pointless and probably dangerous and I do want to point out, that it is not exactly a decision I consciously made, it is just a deep seated resistance that I find hard to shake.
Anyway, walking on as the car did not care, probably did not even hear me, I was pondering what I actually had meant to say with that deep cry for wanting to be noticed, recognised and respected?
It felt comical how I was so outraged by this car, this force, this person inside of that force, that is factually bigger than me, more powerful. How dare they? How it set off this rage, that obviously had nothing to do with the car or the person inside of it at all. If it’s hysterical, it’s historical. But also comical because I know that in another moment in time, I wouldn’t have bothered at all. I would have ignored the honk, felt nothing and moved on.
My therapist said the other day, that in times of upheaval and change, it is natural to need an anchor or to look for it outside of ourselves. However she suggested: Why don’t you try to be that anchor for yourself? Which prompted me to look at her with an expression that clearly said: Yeah but how the fuck do I do that?
So we both started laughing, yeah that is easier said than done.